5...4...3...2...wait... it's already been launched.

"Operation Big and Sexy Dream" launched June 1, 2011 (yes, I need to put the year) at about 4:30 pm. I originally was going to write this at the beginning of the month but seeing as how it is mid June....hey at least I'm writing it...right? We got home from our wonderful trip from Denver, and Sam & I went and worked out at the YMCA. We were able to get a family membership and some financial assistance so that was a blessing. We were there for about an hour.

I, at first, wasn't sure what to do. So I kinda...just...walked around and familiarized myself with the place. I'm sure I looked weird just walking around. I started with some cardio on a treadmill for 20 minutes uping the speed every now and again. I did a quick jog for a couple of minutes. I was just being wary of my heart rate and breathing. Like an good exerciser would do. After I did that I lifted some weights and did some arm and ab workouts.

I checked out the woman's locker room, which I hadn't been in one since high school. I saw a Zumba class, which made me all the more mad that I couldn't go to one due to scheduling conflicts with my place of employment. I'm just trying to find my rhythm.

I then proceeded to walk outside and waited for Sam. I walked over to the track and walked a lap. My calves were starting to cramp up. Which now that I look at my calves, I think one is bigger than the other. Hmmm. That was when Sam was tryin' to get a hold of me. We both felt great afterwards and we both, especially Sam, enjoyed working out together, even though we weren't really together. I'm tryin' to work out (Ha Ha) a schedule with work, a workout, and yoga. I'm also walking with Natalee Spaulding, a friend from church. We're hoping to get more sisters to join but we go walking at 7:00 pm for about 45 minutes.

I've also been more diligent about watching what I eat. I've been on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich breakfast for the past month and hadn't realized how much fat peanut butter has. I also am more aware as to what foods upset my stomach and try to avoid those because I just hate feeling horrible.

I've also started, unofficially, bellydancing. I'm just doing the basics from DVD's. It is actually a really impressive dance. It is helping me with my mid section, which is what needs help at this point and time. Plus, the music is so incredible! Sometimes, much to my own discretion, I will just bust out dancing to the radio in the bedroom when no one is watching. Yes, like what those cheesy songs tell you to do. But it really is fun.....Hee Hee.

Wicked by Gregory Maguire

I've just come to grips with my reading list. It doesn't all have to be classic literature. Those grips that I came to with myself was brought forth by attempting to read "The Scarlet Letter" by Nathaniel Hawthorne. I did not realize how hard this book was to read. So I'm saving that for another day when I can do it. Anyway, this book named Wicked by Gregory Maguire was, I think, based on some musical. Oh Right! It's called "Wicked." But this is the book I'm talking about mostly because I have not seen the musical yet. With this reading challenge I am trying to read the book before I see the movie, or in this case, musical. I'm glad I did! (As I usually am).

I was always curious as to what this story was about. I knew it had to do with The Wizard of Oz and how Glinda and Elphaba were friends but I had no idea it was like this. I am probably sure that the musical isn't quite like the book as the book is pretty dark. The story is about Glinda and Elphaba when they were young and in school and Elphaba's turning into the Wicked Witch of the West. I did not realize how political this book really is, which kinda bored me but that's because politics do that to me. However, the overall story was great!!! It did have some vulgar words in it and some not so clean scenes in it.

I love how Maguire tells most of it from Elphaba's point of view. I think his other books are like that but with different fairy tales. I haven't read his other books but I sure as heck am going to. He used words in there that I had never seen before and his descriptions were so unique. I loved how it took a child's story and made it into an adult book. It's liked how he created this whole new world of Oz that you wouldn't have thought existed.

I know this isn't a very long review but it was a really good read. Defiantly not for reading to the kids a bedtime story, keep the original Wizard of Oz for that. I am looking forward to reading more of Gregory Maguire's books.

Movies and Cars

So, I just got off the phone with my mother asking if I had updated my blog and I replied, "No." I was planning on it later today, you know when it was dark and I was bored. I also thought that I had the courage to play Silent Hill 4 by myself and, needless to say, I tried and after seeing the opening part...I got too scared, so here I am.

It has been a while since I've done a family update so here it goes. Sam has been working part time as a Graphic Design teacher at Stevens-Henegar College and has been enjoying it very much. He is also working with a strong group of people to create a production studio out here in the land of potatoes, which is even more excited about, as am I. Him and his coworker/friend Wade, with help from others and myself, have created a series called "The Helpdesk." They have just got done editing the pilot and are planning on more projects to come. Before Sam started doing this, I was reading up on screenwriting and thinking how wonderful this would be to actually try my hand at it. I am currently writing one and will go into more detail when I have it done. This also gets me excited to write more screenplays and do the movie stuff that me and Melissa use to do all the time.

I am still babysitting, however, this past week they have been gone camping so I got to have a week off. Good for my nerves, not so much for my paycheck. We also are having to have car repair done to both of our old cars this next week. This will be the first time that I have taken the Tercel into an actual car mechanic, that's not to say that my dad isn't because he is great with cars. I'll just be glad when the Tercel is not smoking from the engine and I'm not worried about it bursting into flames on one of my jaunts to Target.

Lilly is doing great! She is babbling on in her own language. A few words are decipherable. She says "No way," "No" and "Ball." She's getting there....Her and I have a game where she'll say, "MAmamamamamama" and I'll say "Lilly, Lilly Lilly Lilly." She puts her hands over her face and giggles. She is getting to be a little bit of a drama queen. She'll accidentally fall on her knees and then she'll cry and then lay the rest of her body on the floor as if she just broke both her legs.

Well, that is it for now, until next time.

Eat Pray Love By Elizabeth Gilbert

I finished Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert on May 10, 2011. I found it at the house where I babysit. I read it while I was there at work, when I had some free time. It was a great read! It came at a most needed time in my life. I was gonna watch the movie and read the book later, when I had my hands on a copy. With were we are financially , I can't go and buy it yet. So it was a blessing that I was able to read it when I did.

The basic premise of this story is about Elizabeth Gilbert's path to happiness. It tells her story of a devastating divorce and her journey of getting to know God and herself by going to Italy, India, and Bali, spending 3-4 months in each country. I find that so inspiring and noble. She's a writer by profession and the way she writes this book is of particular interest to me. She writes in first person and it's got the feel of reading her personal journal. Knowing what she was thinking at a particular moment. She is so funny and witty. The characters in here are so real (probably because they are) and enjoyable.

She made me feel like I was with her traveling but getting a VIP pass into her thoughts and feelings. I thought the book would be kind of boring but it was anything but that. It does have some language in it and the "F" word a few times, but really inspirational and enlightening. She is honest and open about her experiences and her life.

She had all these wants and thoughts when so much horribleness was happening... why can't I do that especially when I have so much greatness in my life. I don't have to be recently divorced or childless to have these wants and pursue them. Granted I might have to work around them but it is possible.

At first I didn't think I would finish it that day because I didn't want to neglect the kids. I was able to finish it and that made me happy. I wanted to rush home and watch the movie. We ate dinner and I started watching it with Lilly on my laptop but I was getting frustrated with her because she kept trying to push the buttons. I asked Sam to take Lilly. (He was glad I asked him). To be honest, (and it's really no surprise) I didn't like the movie as much as I liked the book. In the book I had so much more access to what Gilbert was thinking and feeling. The movie had stuff in there that wasn't in the book. Now with reading about scriptwriting recently, I have more of a sense as to why they changed things for the movie but that doesn't mean they should have done it. It so much great content in it I don't know why they felt like they had to change or exaggerate anything.

The movie adaptation was pretty on the spot, though, with regard to dialogue. Almost too much so. It's probably because I just got done reading the book. Plus it just looked different in my imagination. I also could have missed some things. I probably sound condescending and flip floppy.

Reading the book gave me a look at my life. I believe, for the first time in a long time, I saw my potential potential (I mean that as in noun and adjective, like potentially seeing my potential). My dreams have just seemed out of reach lately. I need to be patient and do my best to make of the situation. I can find happiness and balance in my life. Looking at this life with an eternal perspective. It's not easily achieved but when that is considered, it makes trials a little bit more bearable.

Gilbert mentions going to Italy "pinched and thin" and through her experiences she's "gained weight." I look at that aspect, rather I apply it to my own life but flipped. I keep the weight and have kept the weight. I have a hard time letting things go. I have come into recent experiences that have made me keep and not let go. That's not healthy.

There is a quote in the book that really made me think. "...Overall satisfying life of motherhood, and marriage and career. " She is referencing her friend who is married, just had a baby and is an artist. I realized that I have 2/3 of these things. I'm missing a career. So I feel incomplete. Yes, I understand that both motherhood and marriage could be a career and I love both. I just want to feel success.

I did stray off my classic literature list when reading this book but it was worth it (like it's a big deal). It is a New York Times Bestseller and very popular. Gilbert's book has inspired me to be at peace with myself, to pray to God and to find pleasure even if it is small. This is definitely a keeper. When you have you in order, everything else will be in order.

Here are a few quotes that I really enjoyed from the book:

"It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live on imitation of somebody else's life with perfection." -The Bhagavad Gita

"You are given life; it is your duty ( and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight."

"You should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. You must practice staying strong, instead." -Elizabeth's Guru

"I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore..."

"Tell the truth, tell the truth, tell the truth."

Operation Big and Sexy Dream

So what exactly is "Operation Big and Sexy Dream?" Well, it's an attempt to lose weight, get in shape, and stay that way. I weighed myself in February and my weight was 192. Weighed myself again on April 16th and I was 190. I weighed myself on May 2nd and I was 186. So slowly but surely I'm losing the weight. This babysitting job has definitely helped me. I found that when I was at home. I would mindlessly eat and snack. I also discovered that when I'm at somebody else's house, I feel guilty if I eat all their food, so I just limit myself and bring my own lunch. It helps me keep a tab on how much I eat.

I'm also looking at what I'm eating. I don't mean just staring at the food on my plate and watch it as it approaches my drooling mouth. What I mean is looking at the Nutrition Facts and comparing foods especially if their frozen. It's not bad to buy frozen food, you just gotta watch and look at what your eating. Compare different brands and different alternatives, because they are out there. Granted some might be more expensive and if money is an issue than go on to the next food and don't bother. I ask myself, "Do I really wanna put that in my body?"

Another approach I'm taking with weight loss is giving myself some room for failure. Not so much failure as it is wiggle room. I know for a fact that I will cave into those delicious Cool Ranch Doritos, especially if they are on sale. So I just go with it instead of setting myself up for failure. Although I am still careful when it comes to treating myself...or at least I try.

I love and enjoy food so I'm not gonna go on those rice cake snacks or those diets that are so restrictive and pointless because I know I'm not gonna follow it. Instead, like it's been said before, a healthy well balanced diet with exercise is what I'm going for. I believe I can enjoy good food and still be able to be healthy and in shape. After all, don't food critics do it all the time. It's all about moderation and balance (That is so easier said then done).

So my goal is to lose 10 pounds. I'm breaking it down into smaller goals. I'm already down by 6 pounds. That's not too bad. Plus, I wasn't obsessing over it. Bam! I try to weigh myself once a week or so.

I've been doing short 18 minute workouts at work while the kids are napping. I put aside certain days to workout. Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. I'll be honest... it's hard to do it on Saturday because that's the only day I really get to sleep in. I'm still working out the kinks until I find the rhythm.

Sam has been wanting to get a gym membership. We have been looking at YMCA because it would suit both of us. I would have to do dance, Zumba or some sort of class. He also thinks it's sexy to go work out together which is 'cause we can check each other out while lifting those weights or doing those squats. Puts a new perspective on "Gettin' low." Oh yeah, baby!

Motivation [moh-tuh-vey-shuhn]

Motivation is a funny word. It's a noun, an adjective and I like to think of it as a verb. This supposed force that pushes us along in whatever it is that we do. Getting up and going to work, exercising, relationships, and, yes, living. It can be there one day and gone the next. Some people are good at it, some...not so much. Motivation can be monetary or just a good feeling.

Yet as funny as motivation is, it is one of the hardest things I struggle with. Maybe I'm not finding the right kind of motivation. Wait...there's no "maybe" about it. It's also hard to keep that motivation going. I understand I'm not the only one suffering from the lack of this "supposed force" but it's there and I need to deal with it. It's like those zits that come up every now and again. It's not like it happens 24/7 but when it happens, it's there, it's obvious, it's in my face (I guess more technically on my face if they are zits) and it's annoying.

So what do I do? I've heard different things. I've done a motivational board, I've done the reward system, I've done/am doing (...trying...) Sparkpeople. Okay that's only 4 things so I guess I haven't tried everything. There is something I have been wanting to try. I want to take a picture of myself. Not just a head shot or in something that will flatter my figure. But a picture that will help me wake me up (or "wak up" as Leah liked to say it back in the day)and see that I need to lose it. I'm just not the same person I was 2-3 years ago not even 4 years, but I can spend all this time and energy tryin' to figure it out instead of doing something about it. I don't want this to sound empty and unpromising. There's so much that I want right now. Losing weight and getting healthy isn't the only thing I have a lack of motivation in, it's a core to a lot of my other problems. I just need to be patient and persistent.

"Mmmm yesss, and how does that make you feel?"

I think my patience has slowly gone somewhere. I've thoughtfully ponder where it has gone. Maybe it's gone where all my other emotions have gone. Somewhere. It's like I've got to do a stupid Easter egg hunt for my emotions. They must have escaped when I was giving birth to Lilly or when I decided to get married without really growing up and experiencing the world first. Although, I do not regret getting married to the most wonderful husband or given birth to the sweetest spirit. I'm grateful for both of them in my life.

My fire has also seemed to dim. Dimmed so much to the point that it is almost out. A small ember in a exhausted burnt piece of wood. Where has my passion gone? I have been trying to make the choice of being happy... and it's been challenging but my mood has gotten better, I'll admit... so far.

I've been feeling a little overwhelmed. I've got a couple projects I'm working, on as well as work, and trying to get healthy and into shape. I'm starting to feel what it is to be a mom who juggles and it's challenging. It does make me want that free time I had so much of but didn't use it wisely. Oh well ya learn.

I've set up a schedule that I'm gonna try. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday are project nights. Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday are exercise nights. I'm also starting "Operation Big and Sexy Dream," which is an attempt to stay motivated to lose weight and get healthy. To go along with this operation, I want to bring myself back. I have let myself go and I'm not proud of it. That could be a contributing factor to my lost emotions.

I've got to let go of how things were and live in the present. Make new memories. Only I feel, for some reason, that so many dreams are out of my reach. I know that deep down (Yes I know that sounds cheesy but I don't care) I know that that's not true but Satan is good at what he does. I need to be stronger than that. Sam and I are so ready to move out and be on our own but there still are some things that need to happen first. I guess, it seems like financially, those dreams and aspirations seem out of reach. The student loans are the main reason. It's scary, but out of the mouth of George Micheal, I just gotta have faith.