"Mmmm yesss, and how does that make you feel?"

I think my patience has slowly gone somewhere. I've thoughtfully ponder where it has gone. Maybe it's gone where all my other emotions have gone. Somewhere. It's like I've got to do a stupid Easter egg hunt for my emotions. They must have escaped when I was giving birth to Lilly or when I decided to get married without really growing up and experiencing the world first. Although, I do not regret getting married to the most wonderful husband or given birth to the sweetest spirit. I'm grateful for both of them in my life.

My fire has also seemed to dim. Dimmed so much to the point that it is almost out. A small ember in a exhausted burnt piece of wood. Where has my passion gone? I have been trying to make the choice of being happy... and it's been challenging but my mood has gotten better, I'll admit... so far.

I've been feeling a little overwhelmed. I've got a couple projects I'm working, on as well as work, and trying to get healthy and into shape. I'm starting to feel what it is to be a mom who juggles and it's challenging. It does make me want that free time I had so much of but didn't use it wisely. Oh well ya learn.

I've set up a schedule that I'm gonna try. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday are project nights. Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday are exercise nights. I'm also starting "Operation Big and Sexy Dream," which is an attempt to stay motivated to lose weight and get healthy. To go along with this operation, I want to bring myself back. I have let myself go and I'm not proud of it. That could be a contributing factor to my lost emotions.

I've got to let go of how things were and live in the present. Make new memories. Only I feel, for some reason, that so many dreams are out of my reach. I know that deep down (Yes I know that sounds cheesy but I don't care) I know that that's not true but Satan is good at what he does. I need to be stronger than that. Sam and I are so ready to move out and be on our own but there still are some things that need to happen first. I guess, it seems like financially, those dreams and aspirations seem out of reach. The student loans are the main reason. It's scary, but out of the mouth of George Micheal, I just gotta have faith.