A Healthy Dose of Realization

Here are some syringes. These syringes represent doses of realization that life hands out to you on occasion. The dose that I have been given in the past month has been the syringe farthest to your left.

It absolutely sucks when realization hits you in the face, punches you in the stomach, stomps on your foot, and smacks you across the head. Operation Big and Sexy Dream is much bigger than I had anticipated. So much to work on but I have started, and that's what matters. I am going to abbreviate Operation Big and Sexy Dream into OBSD. It sounds like the latest in recreational drugs but it's to long to spell out all the time.

I have not realized how far gone I've let myself. It's like going into a house that you've never been to, with an expectation that you have to clean it. But when you go in, it's like walking into one of those houses on "Hoarders." The job is WAY bigger than you expected! I've got so much work to do physically, spiritually, and mentally. I have thought about doing a video journal. I have done all sorts of journals but never a video journal. It would definitely get me out of my comfort zone and insecurities. We'll see though.

As hard as those realizations have been, OBSD has been going along great these past couple months. I have gotten done with my 2nd week of doing yoga at the YMCA. I go every Monday and Wednesday at 7:00 pm. It works great because Sam is here to watch Lilly. Also, I have to manage how much I eat for dinner when I get off work (which is at 5:00 pm), because I can't do yoga on a full stomach. On Tuesday and Thursday, I go walking with my friend Natalee. We meet at the church, which is walking distance from the house, and we go walking. Where we live there are a lot of hills so we can get a pretty good workout. I bring Lilly with me in a stroller and she does great! Although this past week I skipped one day with walking and yoga because of 4th of July and the Relief Society Party.

These walks with my friend are doing a great job. I'm noticing a definite difference physically and mentally. Although I've had a cold the past few days, I still feel pretty good. I've been going to bed at 11:00 pm give or take a few minutes. With my new schedule I've been eating better. My legs are a lot stronger too. I've been drinking lots of water. I have gotten some sweetener for my water, because after drinking it so much all day, it gets old. The sweetener I use has low calories, zero sugar, and tastes really good.

Although, walking and yoga have helped greatly, I've decided that doing these things isn't enough. Especially because most of my problem (physically) seems to be my lovely midsection. I've been stretching, breathing, and cardio but nothing with my abs. Granted I do get s little work on them during yoga but not enough to where I feel it. I'm just not sure as to how much I can keep doing. I mean with the schedule I have. My days seem full. I guess I could do ab work on Saturday. But that's the only day I get to sleep in. Sacrifice. What am I willing to give up for this mission? How important is it to me?

I need to adjust my goals. I need to focus on my stomach and how I would like to look instead of monitoring my weight. It sounds kind of shallow but it's true. I'm pretty happy with the rest of my body except my stomach. I mean, I still want to get healthy again. The thought of being able to walk around with 70 less pounds sounds levitating. I definitely think that keeping tabs on my weight is important but I have been basing results on that alone. I find myself caring more about how I look passing a mirror as opposed to weighing myself every day. I'm not even making it a goal to fit inside a size 7 pair of pants. The last time I fit into a single digit pair of pants was when I was in middle school. So that kind of goal is unrealistic to me.

OBSD isn't just about losing the weight. I want something more for myself. To have big dreams and the ability to have the confidence and faith to do whatever it is I want to do. I'm not saying the life I have right now is horrible. I love being married to Sam and having Lilly as my daughter. I have always wanted a career. I had always thought I'd have one before I got married and started having kids. I'm doing things out of order and I just need to go with it.

I want to be sexy again, espeically with the knowledge that I now know. as well as experience. I want to do it for my children, for Sam, and myself. I am just not happy where I am right now. I know I need to be content with what I have but it's just difficult and irritating when I want to progress, I want to move on but I feel I'm being held back.